Driving down Maha Set Road we often wondered about the big deck covered in foliage and the fairy lights on this old wooden house. With its happy cow logo and low-key vibe, we imagined succulent grilled beef at dirt cheap prices. Well, the foliage is actually made of plastic and the meat can feel that way, too. Prices are, in fact, on the high side (service and tax are not included, somtam is B70-100), while the vibe is downright weird: deserted, with a sad uncle singing soft rock oldies off a karaoke machine while playing the synthesizer. The target clientele—if it ever showed up—was probably ah-sia, those guys with gold chains and tarted up girlfriends twenty years their juniors. Was the plan that they would be impressed by any piece of shoe leather served with boiled farang veggies on a hot plate? The menu has lengthy explanations of beef cuts and their origins, but your attempts to order your steak rare will only produce a gray lump that almost tastes deep-fried and like it was hacked off a cow a long, long time ago. Still the meat’s “US” pedigree and striploin cut make it a B550 dish. You could also have your imported beef as a B1,200 set grilled Korean style, or cut your losses with a B780 local beef set. Either way, the sliced meat is served with a fine dusting of pepper and a light drizzle of a saccharine soy sauce. Judging by the darkened edges on the meat, there might be much to hide under such seasonings. The accompanying sauces feel just as unnatural and the fried garlic rice leaves a little puddle of oil at the bottom of the bowl. The vegetable basket that comes with the sets is fresh and crisp but that’s little comfort. There’s also a Thai menu, and a lot of spicy salads. While the seasonings are pretty “zaeb,” again, there’s a tendency to make a fatty fried mess of things, as with the plaa salit served with green mango salad (B80). You’ve been warned: there’s just no reason to ever visit Zea Zab, so don’t let their cute cow lure you in.